We have a recurring argument at our house each week over my teens’ choice of clothes for church. My son wants to wear athletic shorts and a tee shirt. My daughter either wants to wear athletic clothing or shorts that I deem too short for church. I understand (and agree with) their argument that God doesn’t care what they are wearing to church as long as their heart is in the right place, but I want them to show the appropriate amount of respect in their clothing choices and “dress for the situation.” I’m not asking for a 3-piece suit for my son or a hat and gloves for my daughter. I just want them to understand that there are unwritten standards in society.
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I know that may make me seem old-fashioned, and I have actually been questioning my ideas about the structure of our social ideals. Things today are much more casual across the board, and I am thankful to feel ok going to the grocery store in my workout clothes (but not my pj’s), eating a sandwich without a plate, and only having to wear pantyhose on very special occasions! Of course, those things could be considered to be pushing the limits by some.
My thoughts then turned toward judgement of others for not acting the way I expect them to act and judgement of my actions by others. Scrutinizing others isn’t very nice, but there have to be some universal standards for behavior. The voice of one of my college professors kept replaying in my mind. In a sociology class, we spent a lot of time talking about social mores (pronounced “More-eyz”), which are the customs and behaviors accepted by a social group. These understood rules serve to bring order and stability to society and reinforce the need to work together.
A cultural shift in attitudes happens, but there are universal rules in society that we need to keep connected to our community. Many of those come in the form of manners. Choosing to use good manners allows us to show respect for ourselves and our community.
I read a Country Living article titled “50 Little Social Etiquette Rules Everyone Should Follow,” and it hit me. Manners help us put others before ourselves and teach us to treat others the way we would like to be treated (read more in my “Don’t Kick Cats” post).
Things like holding a door for others (and thanking someone for holding the door), complimenting someone, writing a thank you note (for great custom cards, check out mixbook* and zazzle*), greeting people with eye contact and a genuine smile, and offering to let someone with less items go in front of you in a check-out line all serve to help treat others with kindness that usually pays forward from one recipient of kindness to the next.
Taking time to RSVP to an event, dressing appropriately for the occasion, being on time, showing up with a small, thoughtful hostess gift of flowers, wine, chocolates, pretty soap, candle, or something homemade (we can show you how to make a coffee mug flower arrangement or a dry erase message board out of a frame), and genuinely offering to help clean after an event are all ways to convey appreciation for being included.
Putting phones away at the dinner table, delaying a phone conversation while checking out in a store or dropping kids off at school, and parking in between lines in a parking spot reminds us that we are part of a community. Connecting in real time (not virtually) helps us pick up on social cues from vocal tones, facial expressions, and body language. These skills are important for all of us to develop, and children (and adults) spending time looking at a screen are missing these invaluable learning opportunities.
As a society, I feel we are less connected than before. The concept of “I” has become more important than “you” or “we.” No man is an island. We need the love and support of our community. We all have rights and freedoms, but our personal freedoms can’t infringe on another’s rights. Manners reinforce that we all have a responsibility to contribute to making our world a better place. A better place begins with understanding and helping others while realizing that we are not the center of our universe. Walking a mile in another’s shoes gives us perspective. Our journeys are not the same, but helping each other along our paths should be universal.
For my children’s choices in church attire, we are trying to find common ground. I’m listening to their arguments for casual garb, and I am trying to help them understand my perspective that dressing appropriately for a situation shows respect for others. Interacting through dialogue and observing the world around us help us shape and form our values. I hope we can all continue to grow and evolve and improve our sense of community.
Share your thoughts about the importance of manners. We would love to hear what you think!
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