“What? You want me to make Jell-O,” my husband turned and looked at me with a puzzled look on his face. I erupted with laughter and informed him I was going to take a SHOWER! Miscommunication is everywhere in our lives. In the case of the Jell-O/shower mix-up, it was funny, but most of the time it is very frustrating!
The foundation for every successful relationship needs to include the ability to communicate effectively. Unfortunately, miscommunication is at the root of most arguments.
Communication is a two-way street that involves verbal AND listening skills. When discussing sensitive topics, our goal should always be to make improvements in our relationships, not win arguments.
Try implementing these 8 simple tips improve communication:
- Understand that everyone thinks, speaks, listens, and interprets differently. Have you ever read “Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus” by Dr. John Gray? The book highlights several ways that men and women communicate in different ways. We must accept that most men do NOT pick up on not-so-subtle hints and need more direct communication. Men need to understand that women like to talk and vent but do not always welcome someone telling them how to fix their problems. Knowing that we all approach communication differently can help us be more tolerant.
- Think before speaking. Will the words spoken contribute to a productive conversation or ignite a fire? Think of the timing of the conversation. Is the best time to discuss your lack of retirement funds 30 minutes before your in-laws come over? Discussing ways your athlete could have contributed more to his/her team right after a game may not be the best idea. We can’t walk on eggshells, but we can take a moment to set the best stage for success. Make sure the timing is good. Approach opening a conversation in a positive way. Encourage a dialogue, not a monologue.
- Choose words carefully. Avoid words like “always” and “never” because the discussion becomes focused on refuting the fact that someone doesn’t “always” forget to put his/her dishes away or that someone “never” remembers their anniversary, etc. If discussing someone’s behavior in a critical way, be sure to point out his/her many positive characteristics and contributions, so it doesn’t make the other person feel that they are being singled out.
- Be explicit in all communications. Don’t make people read between the lines. That opens the gates to misunderstanding. For example, I will say to the kids, “Hey. If you get a chance, please empty the dishwasher.” If I come back later and it hasn’t been emptied, I’m frustrated. They will argue that I said to empty it IF they had time. They may have spent their time playing video games and felt that they were too busy. Obviously, I wanted them to empty it, so I just should have said, “I’m going to the store. Would you please have the dishwasher emptied before I return?” I’m still politely asking, but my request is much more specific.
- Stay calm and even-keeled. My husband’s biggest complaint is that I take a certain negative tone when wanting to discuss something that I feel needs to improve. He says the tone makes him feel like I am making the conversation a personal attack on him. I am unaware of any tone, but I am going to try to notice it and present my concerns in a better way. We also need to focus on the topic at hand and avoid bringing up 15 prior disagreements. Don’t let frustration or hurt feelings allow conversations to spiral out of control.
- Don’t assume your meaning is understood. It is always good to make sure everyone is on the same page in a conversation. If the conversation involves a deadline, ask if everyone can meet the goal by x date. Summarize.
- Take turns talking. Don’t interrupt and talk over each other. Be respectful. It is easy to lose focus on the conversation if we are spending our time trying to come up with our next counterpoint. Don’t try to turn complaints around and create an environment of “What is the big deal if I do x when you do y and z?” Don’t try to stop a conversation before it starts. My husband is known for complying “yeah” and “uh-huh” just to end what he thinks will become an argument. I urge him to take time to process what is being said and work with me to make improvements that will benefit us both.
- Work on listening skills. Our busy lives leave us distracted, and all of the multi-tasking diminishes our ability to listen. My son will ask me no less than 5 times, “What’s for dinner?” (By the way, I have the weekly menu written on a chalkboard in the kitchen.) He’s usually asking while doing homework or on his phone. He doesn’t retain the information because he’s not really listening. I am also guilty of this when I’m wrapped up in doing too many things at once. We need to become active listeners in every conversation we have. Avoiding distractions, asking questions, and confirming what we are hearing are ways to successfully master active listening. I encourage you to watch Julian Treasure’s wonderful TED Talk titled “5 Ways to Listen Better.” In less than 8 minutes, he gives some great tips to becoming better listeners, which in turn, creates better communicators.
If all participants in a conversation can understand that we all have to discuss uncomfortable topics in order for relationships to improve, implement some of these tips, contribute to positive communication, and grasp that the goal is for improvement, the world would be a much better place.
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