The View from the High Road is Always Better
I spoke to my sister-in-law yesterday and got some great news. Her family is coming for Thanksgiving. I know many of you don’t necessarily enjoy the company of your in-laws, but I do…These are even my EX-in-laws. I am thankful to say that I have been able to maintain great relationships with my ex-husband’s family, and we have been divorced for 7 ½ years.
While some might be questioning my sanity right now to embrace my ex-in-laws (does that make them outlaws?), during an incredibly painful and emotionally tumultuous divorce, I decided to do everything I could to try my best to always take the high road for the sake of my children. My ex-in-laws are incredible, and I feel like I would have chosen them as friends even if marriage hadn’t thrown us together. They have been an integral part of my life since I met them in 1992. They have helped shape me as an adult, a friend, a wife, and a mother. During my divorce, the emotional support and love they showed was something I will always cherish and never forget.
Throughout the years, I have certainly had difficult moments as a single mom, including the first weekend the kids spent with their father. I knew it was going to be a hurdle, but I put a smile on my face, helped the kids pack their bags, hugged them tightly, and spent time chatting with my soon-to-be ex-husband. I wanted the kids to know that things were going to be fine and that our “new normal” would feel simply like “normal” soon. Once they left, I will admit that I spent most of the weekend on the couch feeling sorry for myself, angry for the situation our family was in, and frustrated that I couldn’t fix everything. I also did a lot of thinking that weekend. I pondered the future and how to make it as easy as possible for my family.
Divorce is almost always messy and painful, and I was left feeling alone and empty. That first weekend alone ended up being very empowering to me. I realized that I had a responsibility to set the tone for the family and had the power to choose my actions to make a better life for my children. I didn’t want to shelter them from what was happening, but I wanted them to know that when life doesn’t go according to plan, you keep moving forward and never stop looking for ways to make it better. I made a decision to embrace the time the children were with their dad and use that to recharge my batteries. I found hobbies, reconnected with friends, traveled, and began writing. I do still attend school, sporting, and extracurricular events and am still available for the kids on my “time off” because I want them to know that I don’t stop being a mom if they aren’t around.
My ex-husband and I keep the lines of communication open and are very flexible on visitation. We try to have a minimum of one meeting/phone call per week to share information about the children and anything else of importance. We make sure we support each other’s decisions. We even spend some holidays together. We aren’t always perfect, but we model respect and good communication to our children. Both remarried, we have been fortunate enough to have partners who understand the importance of minimizing pettiness and hurt in the name of taking the high road. (I actually just had lunch with my ex-husband, his wife, the kids, and my ex-brother-in-law, and my ex-husband’s wife’s brother. Try putting that on a family tree!)
Taking the high road extends to other areas of life too. Giving people the benefit of the doubt goes a long way in protecting relationships. We should try to avoid rushing to conclusions and, instead, work to get the story from the source, providing understanding not judgement. Offering kindness to others promotes kindness all around. Putting ourselves in other people’s shoes and offering an empathetic look through their eyes brings understanding and compassion. It’s wonderful to make the first move to be the bigger person when disagreements arise. Set the example and realize that the view from the high road is always better!
How do you set good examples for your family? Please share your tips, ideas, and stories. We can all learn and grow from each other.
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